Mid-Life

Forty-Seven. Forty. Seven. FORTY-SEVEN!

I have this image of who I am and it is seriously conflicting with what I see in the mirror’s reflection. I am not (necessarily) talking about the gray hair or the 15-20 pounds I need to lose. No, this is much more than those first visible signs of age. I have been dealing with those issues for so long they are now a part of who I am.

I am talking about little things. My body shape is changing. I see the reflection bouncing off the office door as I approach each morning. I don’t know what happens in that hour drive but by the time I get to work I am no longer the super mega-cute, stylish person who left the house. I have wide-child bearing hips, massive breasts, and I am the shape of round. Even if I do lose the recommended BMI 15-20 lbs . . . I am still going to be round.

I am noticing that I am often the oldest person in the room. I can remember when I was the youngest office employee hired into my first company. I was HOT! Okay, maybe not hot really, but I was fit, healthy, and attractive. I was at the peak of my physical self and I am sure I found fault in myself every day. What an idiot! Men looked at me. Admittedly I thought they were just being nice but let me tell you – now that they are NOT LOOKING I realize that they once were and I miss it. Still an idiot! Do you know what I mean?

I worry about things I once believed would never happen to me – never even considered. My clock is ticking – but this time it is a mad rush to pay off the mortgage so we can own our home before we retire. There have been days in the past month when my husband and mom were sick – and I worried about being alone . . . really alone in this world. We have children in high school and children who are out in the world living. Was I a good enough mom that they will want to stay connected to me while they are out there finding their own way? Did we prepare them for all that they will be facing? I am sure there are things I could have done better . . . .

Wow, this is taking an ugly turn but that is middle age isn’t it. It is a time when we know enough about life to take a self inventory yet we are still young enough to have hope for a change in our future. We have spent the first 20 years of our life living for our parents, the second 20 living for our children, and now we have to introduce ourselves at functions – as our self. We no longer can rely on our youthful appearance, youthful optimism, or youthful arrogance. As my mom would say, we are young enough to get in trouble but old enough to know better. No wonder they label it a crisis!

Assignment: I want to thank you for the outpouring of Birthday support. The cards and warm wishes touched me deeply. It was really nice to know that you cared enough to express your love because as you have read – this was a sad little self-pity of a birthday for me. Continue share that love with people in your life. You never know when it will be the tipping point a person needs.